brighterthansunshine on Revelife

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Friday, 25 December 2009

happy christmas, i suppose.

i wish i had more to be thankful for. i don't love this holiday as much as i used to, and i so want to love it again. in all actuality, i know i still have a lot to be grateful for, and i thank God for everything. i have a home, my family, my friends, and chase. but still... i feel like i'm missing something. i've become so much less spiritual over the last few years that i can't even enjoy the commercial version of christmas. i miss when my heart would feel like it was overflowing with love and emotion from a simple song, and i was so happy from singing aloud that i could burst. we didn't even get a tree this year. or hang a single light or piece of tinsel.

what happened to me?

i need fellowship, i think. i don't have any brothers in Christ that i can turn to when i feel like this. the last time i felt that way was when jordan first introduced me to NLCF, and i finally had someone to go to church with every sunday. i know it's lame, but it's lonely going to church alone every week. and then i had homegroup, even though i felt like i didn't really belong there... i still had it, at the very least. but then my school load got too much, and i couldn't take the two hours every thursday night to go, and now that i've graduated i don't have homegroup anymore. i feel a little more at peace when i go to church, but the feeling is so... fleeting. it's like the moment i walk out the door, my serenity disappears.

would i be happier if i had a job? a future? or at least, a plan for the future? or at the very least, content? pharmacy school was my plan for so long, and then PA school... but i don't have the grades to make it in anywhere. medical fields are so competitive. i didn't even take the PCATs because i didn't think i could get into any pharmacy school. i'm so afraid to fail that i won't even try.

i wish i had someone close enough to me that i could talk to about all this. someone who would listen and then just tell me, "God is always there for you." just hearing those words... it would be comforting. it doesn't have the same effect when you say it to yourself. especially when you're me. i always feel like i'm struggling so much more than everyone else with my relationship with Christ.

i don't know. i'm rambling now.
i miss tech. i wish i hadn't graduated. i don't think i can face the real world.
not alone.
and alone is definitely what i feel when i'm not at school.

but anyway, my point is.....
merry christmas, i suppose.

Sunday, 05 October 2008

There are days I don't.

What's mortifying isn't that there are people who walk this Earth denying Christ. What's mortifying is some of us know the glory of God, yet happily choose the world over Him. I don't like to admit it, but on certain days I would probably feel this way. It's no surprise at all, just mortifying. Tears of joy, Tears of brokenness filling the brim of our lids, kneeling before Him our lips quiver and our mouths utter, Lord I love you, thank you for Jesus, I want to live for you. The next day, our bottom lip curls inward and barely touches our upper row of teeth before the version of the word for fornication that gets you timeout in grade school flies out. The next day some lips touch a butt of a cigar filled with shake bought from that shady dealer on Elm St. The next day some lips touch glass lips ending with a night of inebriation, passed out in some frat dude's house. The next day some lips really do touch real butt and real lips, usually ending with a morning of confusion, bad breath, shame, and a stop to the pharmacy. What's mortifying is not what these lips do, no, it's really not - sometimes it's what our lips don't too. What's mortifying is how easily we cling to our golden cows and Baals in form of addiction to worldly things when we've tasted the love of the Son who bled from his head, his side, his hands and feet. God, I know weaknesses help us come to you, to humble us, to help us depend on you - but, it's mortifying to realize how great my love can be for the world. It's mortifying how sometimes we pleasure ourselves with our idols thinking in the back of our heads that He's loving enough to redeem us again down the road. It's mortifying how we think our heart is pumping steadily in our chest when it's frozen over with denial and lies.
Francis Chang, in his book Crazy Love, asked the readers if anything you had to with Christ was removed from your comfortable life - would you care? If I could only go to church for my friends but not for Christ, would I care? If I could only read the bible as a historical text but not as the living Word, would I care? If I could only pray as a meditative practice but not as a personal interaction with God, would I care? No, really, think about it. If I was given a life with all my best friends, a loving mom and dad who encouraged me in all my endeavors, a great undergrad and awesome grad school, a loving and loyal spouse who would share coffee with me in the mornings before we depart for work, a friendly fellowship I could attend to on Sundays, a nice house, a healthy child, future next-gen gaming consoles, an awesome computer, recognition as a well established fiction writer, a summer retreat lodge in some valley in Montana with a creek nearby, the knowledge of where the best places to grub midnight grub with friends, a jindo for a pet (and a Corgi too, muack), a continued great relationship with my brothers, a youth group I could teach to every week, a gym I could go to that had a comfortable hyper extension machine, but no Christ. No Jesus. No living a life for God. Would I care?

There are days when I don't.
There are days I don't.
Dear God,
Under this facade of kneeling prayers
and shouting praise
There are days I don't...
My God, MY GOD,
there are days I don't.
Help me. Help me everyday. Help me desire you.
Help me love you, everyday.
This is the stepping stone I ask daily.
It haunts me how little faith I have, cuz it haunts me that

There are days I won't.

-AC

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Ah, the little dramas of life...

So today was a very long day for me. I was doing work or in class from 9AM until 8:30PM tonight, excepting an hour I had for a lunch. It was hard, not just because I had about 4 hours of sleep the night before (yay for last-minute studying for tests! =T haha) but I had gotten somewhat upsetting news the night before.

It always seems trivial in retrospect (yes, a day later is retrospect!) but I was upset last night. Boy troubles, of course. What else could be going on in a college girl's life? Someone I cared for very deeply last year seemed to have just.. I don't know, led me on...? It's difficult to explain without going into specifics. But the bottom line is, we were very close last year, and after he graduated we promised to keep in touch and stay friends. Although I have made several attempts to keep in touch, it seems as if he is ignoring me. The news I got last night explained why.

At first, I was upset. Then I was just angry. Then upset again. And then angrier. Truthfully, it was half the reason why I stayed up so late last night. I couldn't sleep. Was it too much to ask for him to be straightforward with me? I was just fine with being friends. But alas, apparently boys are just as bad as handling awkward situations as girls.

I started to cool off-ish today, but it was still in my mind. There was just a small voice in the back of my head ranting and raving: "Jerk! How could he lie to me like that? What an ass!" Up until about now, when I read one of the posts on the revelife site:

"Philip Yancey shrewdly observed, 'The only thing harder than forgiveness is the alternative.' If you think it’s a pain to forgive people who hurt you and to love and pray for your enemies, as Jesus would, you’re right. But just try holding onto a grudge and letting resentment poison your life for the next twenty years. By trying to avoid the pain of learning to forgive like Jesus, you’ll only fall into the even worse pain of bitterness."

I could tell that God was trying to speak to me. I could already see myself starting to go down that road again. The off-ramp of unforgiveness and grudges and resentment. But I won't. I have to let it go. Because despite the choices he made in handling the situation and our friendship, I still know in my heart that he is a good person. It's not going to be some kind of overnight change; I won't wake up in the morning and be all perky and like, "Oh! I forgive him! Let's go make pancakes!" or whatnot. It still upsets me. Especially considering that he probably won't try to keep in touch or keep our friendship going anymore. But I know I can. I think God gave me a heart that can love easily because He knows that, despite it all, I also forgive. And He knows that I can love others again.

Man oh man, sometimes I wish He didn't. Sometimes I wish I was the cynical and jaded type so I'll never care for even the people that live in my hall. It's just a recipe for heartbreak over and over again.... but that's the way God made me.

So, Lord, please give me the strength to forgive.

Thursday, 04 September 2008

My Beginning

I don't know how it is for most people, but for me my acceptance of Christ came gradually. In high school I had a few Christian friends here and there, but I don't recall ever really meeting anyone where God was more than just a Sunday morning habit (if that). I drifted along from social group to social group, never really fitting in anywhere.

The summer before I started college I met "Robert". We started dating after a few weeks of working together, and when he found out I wasn't really practicing any religion (although I was Buddhist) he started taking me to church. Robert wasn't exactly the best example of a Christian; he was highly judgmental and slow to forgive even the smallest of things. He rubbed his faith in other people's faces sometimes, waving it around like a banner because he thought he was better than a lot of people because he believed. But he had his moments. Moments where I could see God's light and His influence shining through.

His mother, God bless her, is one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. We still keep in touch, although Robert and I haven't been dating for over a year now. She was really the one who showed me what it meant to be a child of God. His love wasn't something that you could earn, or something you deserved (like Robert liked to think)- it was just something I could only accept as a gift. Even for someone as undeserving as myself. She was the one who showed me how real God was, that He wasn't some Sunday ritual that you had to endure because your parents made you.

It was slightly uncomfortable for me at first, talking about religion and faith and God as an omnipresent part of life. It never had been before. But I spent so much time with Robert and his mother during the 2 years we dated that it eventually became natural for me, if only around them. Before I knew it, I was a believer. It crept up slowly on me, like a vine growing on a brick wall. One day someone asked me what religion I was, and instead of my usual "Well, I'm technically Buddhist..." line, my reply was "I believe in God." Simple as that. I didn't even think about it.

That's when I realized I was a believer. Even though, apparently, I had been for quite some time already. Haha.

Like I said, Robert wasn't exactly the best example of a Christian. He never really wanted to go to church services, and he prayed only when he really, really wanted/needed something (although I am definitely guilty of that as well, but I'm trying to work on that). After things ended my sophomore year of college, he was afraid that I would be so heartbroken that I would stop believing in God and stop going to church (yeah, wow, I know). Instead, I found myself turning to God more than I ever had before while we had been dating.

I am proud to say that after all the trauma of our relationship, I still believe in God. Even more so than before. Even though he cheated on me twice, I am so glad I had him for those two years. Robert (and especially his mom) brought me closer to God than I ever could have on my own. I am finally starting to go to church (and I actually look forward to it every week!), and I am going to try to start going to Homegroups/prayer groups (if my hectic school schedule allows it). I am somewhat afraid, since my main example was Robert, that I am going to turn... haughty because of the fact that I believe. I don't want to be shoving my faith in people's faces to point out that I think I am better than them. I want to show them God's love, and what it means to live in Christ, and how wonderful it can be.

I am afraid. I know it will be a challenge, but I hope I can rise to it.